Greetings from oblivion

I learned astrology for selfish reasons: I was looking for answers to what was happening to me, and assurances that everything would be all right. What I found instead was that throughout my life, I'd unwittingly followed along with the energy of the moment and most of the time capitalized on the energy available to me without having any sense of what I was doing. The other thing I found was a new lens to look through to help people describe their struggles and challenges (and occasional gangbusters energy, of course).

The answer I didn't find back then, the answer to what was happening to me, came recently (thank god): it was the fact that Pisces is intercepted in my 12th house, meaning that the sign doesn't touch a house dividing line, rather, Aquarius is the sign on the cusp of my 12th and Aries is the sign on my 1st, and intercepted signs basically don't have an outlet to express cleanly. (Here's more on intercepted signs.) Meaning: Pisces, the sign of subconscious activity is like a nesting doll in my 12th house and so I get sucked into Pisces things when I have active transits in there and with outer planets, I can no longer touch "regular" reality because the sign is not connected to anything that would allow it to express outwardly. Multiply this by a factor of 10 with Neptune transiting its home sign (meaning Pisces) and conjuncting planets in my 12th house: I kept getting pulled deeper and deeper into subconscious energy and, as such, became less able to function in reality. This is very difficult to put into words, let alone be understood if it's not something you've personally experienced. I kept describing it as "walking down a hallway of locked doors" or "living in a fucked up music video."

A lot of people born in the US don't have intercepted signs in their charts, and if they do, those intercepted signs aren't necessarily in the 12th house. Additionally, half the population won't have Neptune or Pluto transit their 12th house in their lifetime because it's not physically possible, so it's fine that most of you have no idea what I'm talking about and can't empathize. But there are a few people who will have this happen, so it's important to put it out there that this IS possible and you’re NOT going crazy. I think it's endearing when people have regular Neptune transits (which usually erase a part of your personality that your ego identifies strongly with) and complain, like yeah, now you have a flavor of my issue. Of course, I feel bad for them, but it's vindicating, like "see? my complaints were legit!"

To be clear: this is unlikely to happen to you, but for a select few, it is possible. (If you have an intercepted sign and are curious about it, I recommend asking ChatGPT about how it might manifest for you. SUPER helpful.)

In the 12th house, you are isolated, and it feels like there is a barrier preventing you from fully participating in or touching reality. I did the COVID lockdown by myself, for example. At one point i also got laid off and got to sit by myself (in the dead of winter to boot) while the professional part of my identity vanished. I've been in cosmic time-out a lot during Neptune in Pisces. I'm used to it at this point, like "oh, go chill by myself? got it." This is coming from the person who was basically scared of being home alone for the first 30 years of my life. This seems cute now.

Also in the 12th house, things fall apart for what seems like no reason. I could describe all of the things that disintegrated, some of which I had a hand in, but most of which I didn't. I feel like that's a different essay and would careen into me being extremely whiny, so I won't. Also, those stories are just sad and feature a lot of Murphy's law.

Then there's 12th house vision, which is where you see and hear things that "normal" people can't or don't. Have you heard the Bill Murray "no one will ever believe you" stories? Everyone else becomes Bill Murray when you have major 12th house activity: people say or do crazy shit that defies explanation and you feel like the unreliable narrator even though you're telling the truth. Well... I am, anyway. The nicest people become demons and the meanest people start crying and asking for hugs, which again, just sends you further into isolation because if you try to tell others, you often ruin your own credibility with the truth. For example, a few days ago a coworker texted me a portrait photo of a different coworker, befuddled because they'd never seen the guy make the face he was making in the picture. I see that face all the time, and I said so, and then realized "oh wait, now I sound crazy." Once again, I am seeing something no one else is. I started journaling religiously so I could refer to my own notes later when I needed a refresher on what happened and its true level of bonkers.

A real problem is Pisces complacency with untenable situations because after about a decade of life kicking your ass, you become used to ignoring problems, figuring there's nothing you can really do. I was living in a deteriorating apartment that had conditions I'd learned to tolerate, like that there was no heat in my bedroom in winter and an infestation of asian lady beetles throughout the place. My old landlord sold the building and the new landlord was negligent and strange, so I had no hope of change for the better on that front. A disgusting kicker (trigger warning for bug haters) was a day last year that I had a direct Saturn transit to Venus (so feeling gross to begin with). I went to the pool, did my usual workout, but in the shower afterward I discovered an asian lady beetle had been in my speedo throughout my swim (if it wasn't already dead, I had drowned it), and it left an imprint of grossness on my stomach.

Neptune transited into Aries this spring and I dusted myself off and started fixing a lot of things that i'd been negligent about in Pisces. Things I previously tolerated became really irritating, really fast. I now live in an apartment with heat, which is nice, though the bar's pretty low in here after many years spent in inertia.

As I mentioned a couple of weeks ago, Neptune is back in Pisces, and I was scared of it, but I've slid back into complacency without issue (did I want to? No. Is it happening? Yes. So oh well). It's only for a few months (I tell myself). Of course, my work has construction that has sent me home to hang out by myself for a large chunk of the rest of the transit, which is funny, because it's like I'm living a highlight reel of the last 13 years. Someone just died and it calls back to some of the more profound losses from the 13 year period, and I'm being dunked in to other people's grief, which is another 12th house manifestation (Mercury retrograde in my 8th house doesn't help!). It's the sense of "ah, this again" because of course, once again, it's a senseless death.

I think my greatest accomplishment during this time has been realizing that you can feel pain very acutely in the 12th house and then you can choose to persist in doing other things despite said pain ("coexisting," in other words). Pain doesn't need to be the only narrative, but it can be if you allow it to. So the exercise is developing a different type of resilience of "okay there is pain, but also I can find things I enjoy and do both at once." Mutable signs are about multiple things happening at the same time, anyway.