Sylvia Browne Shit-Talks the Zodiac

A while back, due to boredom and my ongoing quest for self-amusement, which informs most of what I do anyway, I read all of the books at the library on astrology. Most of the books available were not by authors I recognize as experts, and most were fluff, but you never know when a differing perspective will offer a more well-rounded point of view on a given topic. I picked up “Astrology Through a Psychic’s Eyes” along with (literally) 7 other books and it wasn’t until I went to check out that I realized who the author was: the late Sylvia Browne, who wrote a zillion books about how psychic she is and—I’m assuming—made many appearances on daytime TV. This gave me pause, but I ultimately shrugged and brought it home with me.

Amusingly, Ms. Brown said she only asked for birth info following her psychic readings, so this information didn’t inform what she told clients. She began to develop generalizations on sun, moon and rising signs. She mentions this but doesn’t go into detail, so you have to know something at all about astrology to understand what she’s saying (like she throws around the term “well aspected Taurus” like that’s supposed to mean something). But oh my god this book shit-talks the zodiac and makes some FUN generalizations:

Aries makes friends for life but will never leave you the fuck alone once they’ve adopted you.It’s impossible to break up with a Taurus because they also will not leave you alone (can confirm).Gemini: has limited emotional depth.Cancer:  overly sensitive, but keeps the hurt to themselves, so you get the pleasure of wondering what you did.Leo: confidence is all for show. Also they will tell everyone else how much they like you, but never you.Virgos: seem prude. Are anything but.Libra: workhorse of the zodiac with memory for days.Scorpio: will have more pity for you if you have a paper cut than if you’re bleeding to death.Sagittarius: loyal until a better option is found.Capricorn: makes things more challenging than they need to be and will tell you all about how hard they work. File cabinet memory.Aquarius: confusing and they expect you to keep up. Introverted when extraverted and vice versa, paradoxically.Pisces: the sensitivity of the Cancer and the need to tell you all about how you wronged them.

Is everyone offended now? Great.

Two other points I found interesting:

• She remarked that men more plainly express their sun signs than women. I’ve mentioned that there are other astrologers who feel women don’t always embody the characteristics of their sun sign, so I was surprised to find it in this book. One theory I've found elsewhere is that the more masculine sun signs are harder to feminize (Aries, Sagittarius, Capricorn, Aquarius, especially).

• She states that there’s no such thing as “on the cusp” so I therefore love her. As you know, you’re either one or another. If someone says "cusp" to me I have to leave the room to stop myself from yelling.

In reading the descriptions, which I will repeat I don't necessarily disagree with (as mean as they are), I realized that the stuff I do that is the most annoying per Browne's descriptions is found in the behavior of my rising sign rather than my sun or moon sign, so if you pick up the book, which is more of a leaflet, read info about your sun, moon, and rising and think of it as a blend. My rising sign: Aries. Once again: Aries makes friends for life, but god help you if you want to get rid of one, and god do we love sharing what we learn with other people, as we can be quite the zealot when we believe in something…

…um…

Yeah.

XO,J

P.S. Astrological nonsense of the week: From Vulture: “Whether or not you believe in astrology, everyone can admit that there’s plenty of coincidentally that can only be blamed on the stars, especially during Mercury Retrograde. In conversation with the New York Times, Cate Blanchett did the very Taurus thing of revealing that she’s a triple Taurus, meaning her sun, Saturn, and rising sign are in Taurus.”

Uh, she's a double Taurus. Her moon is in Aries. We only count sun, moon, and rising, then we stop counting. And actually, if you look at her chart, her Mercury is in Gemini (opposite Mars) so she did the very *Gemini* thing of sharing information. So that’s total gibberish.